Thursday, October 29, 2015


"You two were annoyingly best friends." I was told by another friend after the rift was created, then band-aided over, then completely ripped open and a fresh (bigger) gaping wound was made; and then to make it more fun another hole right next to the first one, smaller, but in some ways more damaging.

Have you ever lost someone? Not by death, but by something that is (figuratively) just as permanent? Have you ever lost a connection to someone that you thought would be in your life forever, for something that started so small and spiraled into a big ball of WTF. That's happened to me rather recently and, let me tell you, the wounds still hurt. I spent more time being angry and less time acknowledging the pain that this event caused that now, when I finally allow myself to feel it, its still raw.

There wasn't a day we didn't talk, and almost just as many days we didn't see each other. There wasn't a secret left unshared or a thought left unheard. It was easy to become friends, easy to become best friends. There was almost an immediate friendship that was built upon so many similarities, yet just as many differences. But most of all there was unadulterated acceptance and understanding. Its hard to describe a connection that you have with someone that makes your soul feel good- and my friendship with her was that. We are both funny, loud, outgoing, extroverted, crafty, homey, dedicated to our families, have adopted children, both spiritual in nature (though not necessarily religious), and had been hurt by friends and family in the past. She was more gentle then I, more naive, more hippy and free-love, open her heart to everyone regardless of the outcome; the kind of soul that didn't understand war and famine and the reasons people did bad things to one another. I was stronger, harder, more realistic, more honest, who was fiercely loyal but intensely guarded, who saw the world with no blinders on.

In the end- that's what did us in- the blinders and the bluntness. I believe that honesty is the most important thing and sometimes that is too hard for people to accept, especially delivered bluntly; she believed that it was OK to hide things to maintain peace. And the stupidest part of all is that we weren't even fighting about us. We were fighting about others. And I believe we both lost in the long run.

I was so angry at my perceived lack of her truth and her immediately running to speak about me to others after our first (silly) fight that I wasn't in the proper head space to be there for her in probably the worst time of her life... 3 days after our fight- her dad died. The chasm was created and I didn't know how to let my guard down enough to bridge the gap; and she wasn't in the right frame of mind to even attempt to focus on our friendship. I have been hurt by friends in the past that my first reaction is to build walls so high that the most experienced climber couldn't reach the top. I make choices so I don't get hurt. So I walked away. I knew I couldn't give her the support she needed at the time, so I made the choice to end that friendship. What transpired after hasn't changed my mind- and maybe showed me that I made the best choice for me- but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I hurt every day over the loss. I hurt when I see our mutual friends, the group that was came together quickly to form a wonderful sort of FRamily, torn in more than two because of it. I hurt when I think of our favorite restaurant, our margarita obsession, dancing, Sam's club visits, total wine shopping trips, holiday parties, green apple Smirnoff, Ed Sheeran, sunburns, sitting on the couch and talking, and just laughing and laughing and laughing. I hurt. Bad. More than any loss that I have experienced, this one has dug in deep and remains.

I have become completely introverted in the process. It hurts to be social, it hurts to be around friends. I feel like everything is wrong all of the time. I feel a big hole in my heart where she used to reside. People look at me and see someone strong, someone hardened to the world, but that is sometimes a facade. Its what I have to do to survive life because if I allow myself to feel as deeply as I do- then pain consumes me. I have no choice. So I put my big girl panties on and just do it. I feel like I've been forgotten in the process. That my hurt has mattered less because I have kept to myself, and because she screamed her hurt and injustice louder than mine. She thinks I don't have enough sympathy or empathy for her. Little does she know that I DO hurt for her, to this day. I still understand her, much to the surprise of many people when I know what has been said and why. Even over my anger her dad's loss hit me hard. I didn't know how to show it but I did feel it. I've hid most of my feelings because its easier but sometimes it gets the best of me. I need to let it go- let all this drama go; its not healthy for me. People think I hate her or dislike her, though that isn't true. I have nothing but best wishes for her future and hope that there will be a light for her one day. I'm choosing to remember the things I loved and that made us become best friends rather than focusing on the things that caused our hurting. I have no ill will towards her, no feelings of animosity, no desire to lash out and keep hurting. And even though there is no going back, I miss the friendship that we had, more deeply than I can express. Knowing that it can never be repaired, never be fixed sucks. There's really no better word for it than that. It fucking sucks.