Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The value of a number

I've been writing this entry for months now and I keep stalling. Its so difficult to finish, to admit. To place my most vulnerable self out in the real world...not because anyone really reads but because I'm officially admitting this to myself...and that is the scariest, hardest thing of all.

I have a secret; a secret that I keep so far hidden that most people would probably be shocked. Outwardly, I am an extremely confident, outgoing person. And most of the time I am that. But on the inside I have a tiny, nagging little asshole that tells me I am worthless, that I am not good enough, that I am fat, ugly and useless. That little asshole wins more times that I would want people to know or that I even want to acknowledge.
I told my honey [the other day] that I think that its atrocious how much worth we put in a number on a scale, but I, too, am guilty of this.  Being bigger than "average" really makes you doubt your own self worth and its damaging to your soul and your other relationships.
How pretty I feel is actually determined by how fat I think I look or feel that day.The up and down of a number gives me stress so much that I think about it when I eat, when I am not eating, when I exercise and when I don't; am I doing enough, giving enough? The hardest part is not seeing that number shift in the right direction when you are doing everything you can think of. Its so heart wrenching to see that number stay stagnant when you feel that you have given you're everything. Its very trying and wears you out. You are literally defeating yourself.
How do we get away from this? I wish I knew because I hate being the person who feels down because my number isn't where I want it to be. I'm trying to switch my train of thought to fit not skinny. Its about not beating myself up all the time for yesterday's mistakes. Just hop back on the train. Every day I try not to focus on tomorrow or yesterday and just work on keeping the promise I made myself today. Today I promise I will be better than yesterday. I will make one choice better than the next. I will focus on making myself feel more comfortable in my own body rather than fitting into the mold that undoubtedly society has placed into my head of what I need to look like or which number goes on the tag in my pants.

Facts about my daughter

Sometimes it surprises me that people don't know my daughter is adopted. She's very Mexican, and I am very white but the biggest clue might be that she is 16 and I am 28! People always applaud me for adopting her, which I find strange because its not something unusual or out of the ordinary for me; its not something that makes me "more" than others, so when people get emotional or praise me, its slightly awkward. I didn't set out to adopt her, I never wanted kids- but she was meant to be mine and I wouldn't want it any other way.

So on Facebook there's this status that if you like you get a specific number to write facts about your labor/delivery; since I never had one I thought I'd just do one for my kid anyways, and I got the number 12.

1. I have never had a pregnancy or experienced labor
2. Cristina is adopted, yet not officially (yet) as it costs a lot of dollars
3. I have known Cristina since she was 6 and lived with me on and off for 2 years (mostly on)
4. Cristina came to live with me (legally) when she was 10
5. I literally picked her up from Mexico to come live with me
6. 3 weeks after Cristina came to live with me, her mom fell into a coma. We went to visit her and so Cristina could say goodbye and I told Kimmy that Cristina lived with me now and I would take care of her and never let her get hurt again. I believe to this day that she heard me and was at peace finally. 
7. Cristina has 4 younger sisters- 2 adopted at a very young age that she barely remembers but misses with everything in her; and 2 that my mom adopted making my daughter's sisters my sisters. ‪#‎funfacts‬
8. I believe being a mom to a teenager is harder than giving birth
9. Everyone tells me that Cristina looks just like me.
10. In the nature vs. nurture debate, in my case, nurture wins because this girl is my double in so many ways. 
11. I hate when people tell me I don't love her like I would love my own since I've never had any. Love knows no bounds. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother, being a mother makes you one
12. I do not want my own kids, I don't like babies- they freak me out!