Thursday, December 20, 2012

Where did my cheese go? Oh, there you are!

This is how I have chose to live my life: Positive - moving with my cheese. (The most amazing book ever written, I recommend it to EVERYONE! It is not always the easiest decision, and sometimes I fall off the path. 

2012 Started as the worst year of my life. Newly divorced from a man I had been with since I was 15 who damaged my spirit, my love of self, my self-esteem and my desire to ever love again. I was beaten and depressing; I won't say depressed because that indicates something happening to me, out of my control and I believe I can control it, therefore I say depressing. I lost one of my best friends and I didn't know why; the pain from that was palpable and probably worse than losing my ex. My kid started acting out in May, cutting herself and doing only God knows what; failing classes, sneaking boys over, sneaking out, posting incredibly inappropriate things on a Facebook she secretly created, being accused of shoplifting...the list goes on and each situation seemed to pile atop the previous one in a seemingly never-ending ball of AAAHHHHH! In August, I lost my job and after a month of no income I started to panic about how I would survive, feed my kid, keep a roof over her head and the lights and water on. I stopped doing Zumba, the thing that made me the happiest- mostly because I couldn't afford it or the gas to get there but secondly because I was too stressed I wanted to do nothing. I met a guy, who was everything I never knew I wanted ~and was exactly what I needed ~ and yet I allowed my fear of loving and being unworthy cloud our relationship. All of these things combined into one totally messed up, depressing, uninspired, unmotivated, angry, on-edge Freather. My biggest wake up call to how unhappy I was, was listening to other people describe me. One thing that was said over and over to/about me was that I was like a light. It made me sad that that is how others saw me, but I couldn't find the light within myself anymore. I knew I needed to give myself a healthy dose of 'get over myself.'

I know all of this seems whiny and not positive, but after some introspection I can see how each of these 'hopeless' incidences helped me grow. After an hour long conversation of allowing the ex-a to berate me, calling me every name in the book I decided enough was enough! We had spent the better part of 4 years making one another miserable and I was done feeling guilty over it. Letting go of my anger, resentment and guilt freed me to become a happy person, one that appreciates the little things and is starting to listen and think more and talk less (even though I still talk a whole lot!) Losing a friend helped me realize all the mistakes I had been making and allowed me to form deep friendships with others and appreciate them a lot more for being in my life. My child is acting out because she is craving attention. Each situation has made me re-think my principles of being a parent and adjust my schema to allow different REACTIONS to her. It has made me become a more patient parent and probably a more easy going parent. She seems to thrive more when I'm this focused on her. It has made me realize she is so close to being an adult and I need to stop clipping her wings, and allow her to fly off the branch. Instead of holding her tightly afraid for her of al the bad things that could happen to her I need to be patient, consistent and loving and allow her to make her own choices and live with the consequences, good or bad.  AND the biggest blessing of all was getting "fired." It wasn't even a blessing in disguise. From the moment I found out I knew I was getting fired I felt an incredible sense of peace overcome me and I knew, just KNEW that I would be alright. Even though I allowed the doubt to creep in, eventually I started a job that is a financial and mental blessing. Falling in love, who would have thought how hard I would fight against it. Sometimes I still shake my head and can't believe it, but it has made me learn how to be in a respectful relationship. It has made me learn how to accept and give love and made me realize that regardless of my past or insecurities I am WORTH it.

I wasn't perfect and it took me a long time to understand the lesson behind these trials...Trust. I have the biggest trust issues anyone can imagine... trust in the unknown, trust in my friends, trust in my partner, trust in my kid. I'm still learning and still dealing with this everyday, but it is getting easier. Letting go of the control that I so desperately seem to cling to. I have grown so much over the last year and I have heard so frequently that I am not the same person. I no longer cling to the unhappiness that defined me for so long. I am at peace with who I am and who I am becoming for the first time in my life. So, I am ending what was the worst year of my life as the best year of my life. Although, I don't know what will come next or what life will throw at me, I believe that I will be able to go with the flow more easily and trust things to be alright. I'm happy. I'm secure. I'm loved and loving. I'm appreciated and valued. What more could I ask for?

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Death Becomes Us

I've had death on the brain for the last few days.

Yesterday was 12/12/12. The last triple digit date we will see in our lives because none of us will be here in 100 years. I thought of this this morning and became extremely saddened. In 100 years, none of this will matter. Who we are won't matter. We are just a moment in time, a spec on the grander scale of the universe.

I've been terrified of death or the death of a loved one for as long as I remember. After my car accident a few years ago, that fear has magnified. Mark Twain said that a man who fears death is a man who fears life. I try each day to embrace my life, live it to the fullest and be happy; yet I cannot get over the fear of losing all the beauty life has to offer. I think that maybe I am not afraid of death, but of loss. To never see anyone I love or cherish again. That is the fear, whether it is my death or theirs.

I've recently reconnected with an old friend, who while we were out of touch, lost her brother in a tragic accident. This was 9 months ago and the affects are still reeling though her entire family; none seem to be able to move on and overcome their grief. I struggle with what to tell her to ease her pain or make her feel more at peace; I've never felt more at a loss for words. I can't help her because my own fear grips me so tightly at experiencing the exact thing that she's feeling right now. How can I say "it will be OK,"  when I don't know if it can be? I think that if it were my little brother, my family would be ripped to shreds and I don't know how I would function. So instead, I pray for her peace of mind, a healing in her ripped soul. Someone out there, greater than I, is more equipped for this kind of pain.

As for me, I'll try to remember to live life to the fullest, appreciate every moment, love with all I have and experience life fearlessly and hope that when my time comes, I'll be ready and no longer afraid.