Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I think I can, I think I can...

So at the end of December, I got this harebrained idea that I should run a marathon. In fact, I wanted to go out and do it the next day. Everyone thought it was funny and convinced me that running a marathon (which I later found out equaled 26 miles) required training. So as of January 1st I set a personal goal for myself to run PF Chang's half marathon in January 2014 and began my training journey. Now, I have no idea what prompted me to want to run, as I have never even been able to run any great length of distance in my life. In fact, running a mile straight was on my bucket list-that's right, my bucket list. I considered it a feat so great it was on my I must do before I die list. That first day I ran I thought I was going to die. Literally. I was crying and whining and couldn't get halfway down the street. I felt like I was making progress by the end of my first week in that I could run about .25 of a mile before having to walk again, and then... dun dun dun (all dramatic like) I got sick. I pride myself on the fact that I rarely ever get sick, and even then its over and done in a few days; however, this sucker knocked me out for over 3 weeks; no running, no Zumba... nada! When I felt like I could breathe again I went out and for the first time was like "I got this!" and I ran a full mile. My time was 15.03 minutes. A week later, I ran for 3 miles straight in 43 minutes. I was so stoked and proud! 

Since then; however, I feel like I have hit this wall. I can still run a mile, but not much more and I can't even run it in the time of my first mile. I am terrified of running my first 5K, which is in less than 2 weeks. I feel the closer it gets to this thing, the more I psych myself out. I feel stupid and I'm letting my nerves get to me. I feel ill-prepared and like I can't do it. I have begun to make excuses why I can't go running at night. I have recently become obsessed with The Biggest Loser, and I've noticed a common theme each week with the contestants; each week someone allows their inner demons to hold them back. On at least the last 3 shows, Jillian says to one of them "what are you allowing to hold you back?" The more I think of this, the more I understand that I am allowing my fear to hold me back. The fear that I am not good enough to run, the fear of being embarrassed, the fear that I am too big to do this, the fear that I will be last, the fear of failing! I saw this picture today and thought why can't that be me? Why can't I push myself past the tired, past the tears, past the fear? Because I won't allow myself to. I am allowing my fear of I CAN'T to overcome the knowledge of I CAN. My fear of failure seems to be a common theme in my life and I am starting to realize that when I am afraid of failing, I close down. I give in and I push away. I constantly self sabotage anything that I fear I cannot overcome; how annoying of a realization that is. I have always thought myself a stronger person than that, and yet when I am faced with one of my biggest insecurities I try to throw in the towel. It's funny how a picture with a few words can force you to reflect on your actions and really dig deep to find the reason for something, but that's exactly what happened. I have a personal mantra, PMA (positive mental attitude) and I preach that to anyone that listens and have come to realize that I am not listening to myself. So I promise myself that I will not give up. I can do this. I will do this. I am worth this. I think that is the key. I am worth doing whatever it is that I want to do. If I can't realize that, then I do fail, and I refuse to fail. So here's to my first 3.1 miles and making the commitment to myself that I can.