Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The value of a number

I've been writing this entry for months now and I keep stalling. Its so difficult to finish, to admit. To place my most vulnerable self out in the real world...not because anyone really reads but because I'm officially admitting this to myself...and that is the scariest, hardest thing of all.

I have a secret; a secret that I keep so far hidden that most people would probably be shocked. Outwardly, I am an extremely confident, outgoing person. And most of the time I am that. But on the inside I have a tiny, nagging little asshole that tells me I am worthless, that I am not good enough, that I am fat, ugly and useless. That little asshole wins more times that I would want people to know or that I even want to acknowledge.
I told my honey [the other day] that I think that its atrocious how much worth we put in a number on a scale, but I, too, am guilty of this.  Being bigger than "average" really makes you doubt your own self worth and its damaging to your soul and your other relationships.
How pretty I feel is actually determined by how fat I think I look or feel that day.The up and down of a number gives me stress so much that I think about it when I eat, when I am not eating, when I exercise and when I don't; am I doing enough, giving enough? The hardest part is not seeing that number shift in the right direction when you are doing everything you can think of. Its so heart wrenching to see that number stay stagnant when you feel that you have given you're everything. Its very trying and wears you out. You are literally defeating yourself.
How do we get away from this? I wish I knew because I hate being the person who feels down because my number isn't where I want it to be. I'm trying to switch my train of thought to fit not skinny. Its about not beating myself up all the time for yesterday's mistakes. Just hop back on the train. Every day I try not to focus on tomorrow or yesterday and just work on keeping the promise I made myself today. Today I promise I will be better than yesterday. I will make one choice better than the next. I will focus on making myself feel more comfortable in my own body rather than fitting into the mold that undoubtedly society has placed into my head of what I need to look like or which number goes on the tag in my pants.

Facts about my daughter

Sometimes it surprises me that people don't know my daughter is adopted. She's very Mexican, and I am very white but the biggest clue might be that she is 16 and I am 28! People always applaud me for adopting her, which I find strange because its not something unusual or out of the ordinary for me; its not something that makes me "more" than others, so when people get emotional or praise me, its slightly awkward. I didn't set out to adopt her, I never wanted kids- but she was meant to be mine and I wouldn't want it any other way.

So on Facebook there's this status that if you like you get a specific number to write facts about your labor/delivery; since I never had one I thought I'd just do one for my kid anyways, and I got the number 12.

1. I have never had a pregnancy or experienced labor
2. Cristina is adopted, yet not officially (yet) as it costs a lot of dollars
3. I have known Cristina since she was 6 and lived with me on and off for 2 years (mostly on)
4. Cristina came to live with me (legally) when she was 10
5. I literally picked her up from Mexico to come live with me
6. 3 weeks after Cristina came to live with me, her mom fell into a coma. We went to visit her and so Cristina could say goodbye and I told Kimmy that Cristina lived with me now and I would take care of her and never let her get hurt again. I believe to this day that she heard me and was at peace finally. 
7. Cristina has 4 younger sisters- 2 adopted at a very young age that she barely remembers but misses with everything in her; and 2 that my mom adopted making my daughter's sisters my sisters. ‪#‎funfacts‬
8. I believe being a mom to a teenager is harder than giving birth
9. Everyone tells me that Cristina looks just like me.
10. In the nature vs. nurture debate, in my case, nurture wins because this girl is my double in so many ways. 
11. I hate when people tell me I don't love her like I would love my own since I've never had any. Love knows no bounds. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother, being a mother makes you one
12. I do not want my own kids, I don't like babies- they freak me out!

Friday, November 1, 2013

I want to marry you because...

Two years ago, after my divorce, I was absolutely 100% convinced that I would NEVER, EVER, get married again. I had been there, done that and had absolutely no desire to travel down that road again. Marriage was for the naive and innocent and I would never be either again...Then I met my honey. It was rather close to love at first sight and I know with everything in me that we were meant to meet. It was too coincidental to not have been preordained. Initially, we both swore that we might be together forever, but marriage just wasn't in the cards again for either of us. He had been married twice before and didn't want a third; that stigma, that belief he would be ridiculed and/or disappoint his family again, and he didn't want to fail. Eventually I found myself wondering what it would be like to be his wife. To have that connection, the commitment, the intimacy. The idea started appealing to me more and more and I found myself feeling scared, and stupid. I finally told him and of course he acted just as I knew he would-shocked and dismayed! There have been many discussions and although he isn't 100% ready for the married part, I know he is 100% committed to me and there will be a time he will ask-and I believe that time will probably be sooner rather than later.
A few weeks ago I caught the Pinterest bug of creating a wedding board and while some of it may stray from what I wanted or be a little more wedding-y that I would ever really want, one of the ideas has stuck with me. It is a book that is titled "I want to marry you because..." to be written in from the time of proposal and given as a gift on our wedding day. I think this is amazing because it will show him exactly why, exactly how. I haven't found a book to write it in, but I thought I'd start his list here, and keep updating it, until we are married and I can present it to him. So, my honey, I want to marry you because...

you dance for me- and that foot goes up and its so cute
you love animals and treat them with respect
and you love ours like they're are kids
you sing to me in bed, the most romantic songs

you are calm and rational
you have an insane obsession with salt water tanks-and fish-and stores- and equipment!
you do things like this
you are my best friend
you call me princess 

you love my best friends
Wadatenchu! or is it purple?

you aren't romantic, but sometimes you say the most romantic things-when i least expect them

you love holding hands
you gave me a son

you are an AMAZING daddy
you go to every sporting event possible

you gave me an actual red-headed step child
you know how and when to apologize and mean it

you accept my apologies and never hold them against me

you love your mom so very very much
your parents are wonderful and generous
you are just like them
you are shy

you think i'm beautiful and tell me every day

you support me when I run, and encourage me to be better
you love me even when im upset and you know how to calm me

because when im hurt and need help you are always there
you are a goof ball, just like me
you're sometimes rather disgusting and a total boy

you do fun things with me and dont mind wearing pink
you love when i paint my nails fun

you love to hike with me

you love my daughter
 you always support her, encourage her and listen to her

you love adventure just as much as i do

you made us a family

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The most amazing vacation ever

One of the most important things for me is spending time and making memories with my family. This past May, we decided to make our first family trip to Medford, Oregon where Honey is from; I was super nervous to meet his family, but in the end all of my fears were diminished to nothing and the experience was amazing! We did so much that week, it was like we never stopped moving. We hiked to the tip of the steepest mountain I have ever experienced, hiked to the top of Multnomah Falls, which successfully checked off one item on my bucket list (see a waterfall), went to the  top of a Crater Lake which is a volcanic lake and we got snowed on, went to the Redwood National Forrest, spent a few hours on the Oregon Coast - and boy was it cold - the list really goes on! The family memories that we made will totally last a lifetime and I hope our kids will cherish the time we spent together. Even the 17 hour car ride each way was fun and we just enjoyed playing silly road games. Times like these have made me so nostalgic because we only have a few years left with them, before they're grown and gone and probably starting their own families.I know is how important  having these family adventures is going to be to our kids one day and I hope they realize that as well. I am sure now they think upon these times as just a normal thing, but one day when they have children I hope they say "our parents used to do this" and expand the memories or even repeat them with their kids. One of the most frustrating things for me is when parents don't spend time with their kids and I never want to hear them say that we didn't do that, and I really hope they can look back and think "that was amazing!"





Friday, April 19, 2013

In Support of our Troops

I think I am addicted to running/runs. Pat's Run is tomorrow and will mark the longest distance I have ever run. I am ridiculously excited and am happy to share this experience with my favorite cousin and her husband and a friend from high school and with my honey, of course. Tomorrow is a day that we are running in support of our troops, specifically my friend April's husband Max, who is currently deployed in Afghanistan. To know me is to know how close to my heart supporting our Military is. So I am running in support of Max, his company and all soldiers. Initially I thought that I disliked what Pat Tillman's legacy was. I was aghast that we spent so much time and energy on ONE man when there are literally hundreds who have died alongside him. Then I got to dig in and realize that the money we raise goes to our current military to go to school. That makes me proud and definitely makes me want to support this cause. I can't wait for tomorrow. Its going to be a blast!


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I think I can, I think I can...

So at the end of December, I got this harebrained idea that I should run a marathon. In fact, I wanted to go out and do it the next day. Everyone thought it was funny and convinced me that running a marathon (which I later found out equaled 26 miles) required training. So as of January 1st I set a personal goal for myself to run PF Chang's half marathon in January 2014 and began my training journey. Now, I have no idea what prompted me to want to run, as I have never even been able to run any great length of distance in my life. In fact, running a mile straight was on my bucket list-that's right, my bucket list. I considered it a feat so great it was on my I must do before I die list. That first day I ran I thought I was going to die. Literally. I was crying and whining and couldn't get halfway down the street. I felt like I was making progress by the end of my first week in that I could run about .25 of a mile before having to walk again, and then... dun dun dun (all dramatic like) I got sick. I pride myself on the fact that I rarely ever get sick, and even then its over and done in a few days; however, this sucker knocked me out for over 3 weeks; no running, no Zumba... nada! When I felt like I could breathe again I went out and for the first time was like "I got this!" and I ran a full mile. My time was 15.03 minutes. A week later, I ran for 3 miles straight in 43 minutes. I was so stoked and proud! 

Since then; however, I feel like I have hit this wall. I can still run a mile, but not much more and I can't even run it in the time of my first mile. I am terrified of running my first 5K, which is in less than 2 weeks. I feel the closer it gets to this thing, the more I psych myself out. I feel stupid and I'm letting my nerves get to me. I feel ill-prepared and like I can't do it. I have begun to make excuses why I can't go running at night. I have recently become obsessed with The Biggest Loser, and I've noticed a common theme each week with the contestants; each week someone allows their inner demons to hold them back. On at least the last 3 shows, Jillian says to one of them "what are you allowing to hold you back?" The more I think of this, the more I understand that I am allowing my fear to hold me back. The fear that I am not good enough to run, the fear of being embarrassed, the fear that I am too big to do this, the fear that I will be last, the fear of failing! I saw this picture today and thought why can't that be me? Why can't I push myself past the tired, past the tears, past the fear? Because I won't allow myself to. I am allowing my fear of I CAN'T to overcome the knowledge of I CAN. My fear of failure seems to be a common theme in my life and I am starting to realize that when I am afraid of failing, I close down. I give in and I push away. I constantly self sabotage anything that I fear I cannot overcome; how annoying of a realization that is. I have always thought myself a stronger person than that, and yet when I am faced with one of my biggest insecurities I try to throw in the towel. It's funny how a picture with a few words can force you to reflect on your actions and really dig deep to find the reason for something, but that's exactly what happened. I have a personal mantra, PMA (positive mental attitude) and I preach that to anyone that listens and have come to realize that I am not listening to myself. So I promise myself that I will not give up. I can do this. I will do this. I am worth this. I think that is the key. I am worth doing whatever it is that I want to do. If I can't realize that, then I do fail, and I refuse to fail. So here's to my first 3.1 miles and making the commitment to myself that I can.  


Thursday, January 3, 2013

Sweetheart, Isn't it time you got organized?

This last weekend has to have been the ultimate test to my relationship. We made the leap, took the plunge, walked off the plank...we moved in! EEEEKKKK

It felt to me like I was in an episode of "Hoarders: The Beginning" if there was such a show. Honey likes to hold on to everything because one day he may use it again or it was a really good purchase, you know like 15 years the answering machine or the home phone (seriously I think our children didn't even recognize these things) but can we get rid of them? NO! why? Because one day they might make a resurgence. "That is the highest rated cordless phone ever made," he says, "we need THIS PHONE in case of emergencies," he explains.

I had never contemplated how very difficult merging two already set up households would be. I naively assumed that everything would go smoothly. He swore he had no attachments to anything, the decorating would be all mine and we could throw out or sell anything I didn't like. HA! hahahahahahahahaha.....and then I tried to throw out a movie ticket circa 1993 for Jurassic Park, when he lived in Germany. Seriously. How could he possibly remember doing that if we didn't keep it so every 20 years he could go back through everything and reminisce.  I am the kind of person that feels if its not being used its taking up space that can be empty, organized and clean. I have no need for the excess and everything has to be in its SPOT. Then there was the ex-wife. She was everywhere; every box, drawer, shelf, tub I opened contained more of "S": pictures, notes, cards. That was fun. Not.

We have never fought over so much and overall has left me feeling helpless, frustrated and insecure about our relationship. I literally cringe every time I come home and have to deal with half a garage packed full of crap we will never use or furniture shoved in every corner of the house. Its getting easier as things get put away but I sometimes wonder if its never ending. I know I haven't been nice to him these past few days. I allowed the stress to overcome my rational thinking and haven't showed him the love I feel for him and that he deserves and there were some points I was just plain mean. I am uber disappointed in myself because I didn't stop to think, compromise, explain myself (rationally) and be respectful. Logically  I know that stuff doesn't matter and none of this is worth fighting or getting upset over, but its like I couldn't help myself. Every new thing we unearthed was more cause for frustration, anxiety and bickering. I'm lucky he loves me and has been understanding of how hard this was for me. All I can do is apologize and with my actions show him how much he means to me and work together to figure this out and try not to let the clutter bother me...TRY :)