I've been writing this entry for months now and I keep stalling. Its so difficult to finish, to admit. To place my most vulnerable self out in the real world...not because anyone really reads but because I'm officially admitting this to myself...and that is the scariest, hardest thing of all.
I have a secret; a secret that I keep so far hidden that most people would probably be shocked. Outwardly, I am an extremely confident, outgoing person. And most of the time I am that. But on the inside I have a tiny, nagging little asshole that tells me I am worthless, that I am not good enough, that I am fat, ugly and useless. That little asshole wins more times that I would want people to know or that I even want to acknowledge.
I told my honey [the other day] that I think that its atrocious how much worth we put in a number on a scale, but I, too, am guilty of this. Being bigger than "average" really makes you doubt your own self worth and its damaging to your soul and your other relationships.
How pretty I feel is actually determined by how fat I think I look or feel that day.The up and down of a number gives me stress so much that I think about it when I eat, when I am not eating, when I exercise and when I don't; am I doing enough, giving enough? The hardest part is not seeing that number shift in the right direction when you are doing everything you can think of. Its so heart wrenching to see that number stay stagnant when you feel that you have given you're everything. Its very trying and wears you out. You are literally defeating yourself.
How do we get away from this? I wish I knew because I hate being the person who feels down because my number isn't where I want it to be. I'm trying to switch my train of thought to fit not skinny. Its about not beating myself up all the time for yesterday's mistakes. Just hop back on the train. Every day I try not to focus on tomorrow or yesterday and just work on keeping the promise I made myself today. Today I promise I will be better than yesterday. I will make one choice better than the next. I will focus on making myself feel more comfortable in my own body rather than fitting into the mold that undoubtedly society has placed into my head of what I need to look like or which number goes on the tag in my pants.