In Support of our Troops

I think I am addicted to running/runs. Pat's Run http://www.pattillmanfoundation.org/pats-run/ is tomorrow and will mark the longest distance I have ever run. I am ridiculously excited and am happy to share this experience with my favorite cousin and her husband and a friend from high school and with my honey, of course. Tomorrow is a day that we are running in support of our troops, specifically my friend April's husband Max, who is currently deployed in Afghanistan. To know me is to know how close to my heart supporting our Military is. So I am running in support of Max, his company and all soldiers. Initially I thought that I disliked what Pat Tillman's legacy was. I was aghast that we spent so much time and energy on ONE man when there are literally hundreds who have died alongside him. Then I got to dig in and realize that the money we raise goes to our current military to go to school. That makes me proud and definitely makes me want to support this cause. I can't wait for tomorrow. Its going to be a blast!

Hooah

I think I can, I think I can...

So at the end of December, I got this harebrained idea that I should run a marathon. In fact, I wanted to go out and do it the next day. Everyone thought it was funny and convinced me that running a marathon (which I later found out equaled 26 miles) required training. So as of January 1st I set a personal goal for myself to run PF Chang's half marathon in January 2014 and began my training journey. Now, I have no idea what prompted me to want to run, as I have never even been able to run any great length of distance in my life. In fact, running a mile straight was on my bucket list-that's right, my bucket list. I considered it a feat so great it was on my I must do before I die list. That first day I ran I thought I was going to die. Literally. I was crying and whining and couldn't get halfway down the street. I felt like I was making progress by the end of my first week in that I could run about .25 of a mile before having to walk again, and then... dun dun dun (all dramatic like) I got sick. I pride myself on the fact that I rarely ever get sick, and even then its over and done in a few days; however, this sucker knocked me out for over 3 weeks; no running, no Zumba... nada! When I felt like I could breathe again I went out and for the first time was like "I got this!" and I ran a full mile. My time was 15.03 minutes. A week later, I ran for 3 miles straight in 43 minutes. I was so stoked and proud! 

Since then; however, I feel like I have hit this wall. I can still run a mile, but not much more and I can't even run it in the time of my first mile. I am terrified of running my first 5K, which is in less than 2 weeks. I feel the closer it gets to this thing, the more I psych myself out. I feel stupid and I'm letting my nerves get to me. I feel ill-prepared and like I can't do it. I have begun to make excuses why I can't go running at night. I have recently become obsessed with The Biggest Loser, and I've noticed a common theme each week with the contestants; each week someone allows their inner demons to hold them back. On at least the last 3 shows, Jillian says to one of them "what are you allowing to hold you back?" The more I think of this, the more I understand that I am allowing my fear to hold me back. The fear that I am not good enough to run, the fear of being embarrassed, the fear that I am too big to do this, the fear that I will be last, the fear of failing! I saw this picture today and thought why can't that be me? Why can't I push myself past the tired, past the tears, past the fear? Because I won't allow myself to. I am allowing my fear of I CAN'T to overcome the knowledge of I CAN. My fear of failure seems to be a common theme in my life and I am starting to realize that when I am afraid of failing, I close down. I give in and I push away. I constantly self sabotage anything that I fear I cannot overcome; how annoying of a realization that is. I have always thought myself a stronger person than that, and yet when I am faced with one of my biggest insecurities I try to throw in the towel. It's funny how a picture with a few words can force you to reflect on your actions and really dig deep to find the reason for something, but that's exactly what happened. I have a personal mantra, PMA (positive mental attitude) and I preach that to anyone that listens and have come to realize that I am not listening to myself. So I promise myself that I will not give up. I can do this. I will do this. I am worth this. I think that is the key. I am worth doing whatever it is that I want to do. If I can't realize that, then I do fail, and I refuse to fail. So here's to my first 3.1 miles and making the commitment to myself that I can.  

                                                             

Sweetheart, Isn't it time you got organized?

This last weekend has to have been the ultimate test to my relationship. We made the leap, took the plunge, walked off the plank...we moved in! EEEEKKKK

It felt to me like I was in an episode of "Hoarders: The Beginning" if there was such a show. Honey likes to hold on to everything because one day he may use it again or it was a really good purchase, you know like 15 years ago....like the answering machine or the home phone (seriously I think our children didn't even recognize these things) but can we get rid of them? NO! why? Because one day they might make a resurgence. "That is the highest rated cordless phone ever made," he says, "we need THIS PHONE in case of emergencies," he explains.

I had never contemplated how very difficult merging two already set up households would be. I naively assumed that everything would go smoothly. He swore he had no attachments to anything, the decorating would be all mine and we could throw out or sell anything I didn't like. HA! hahahahahahahahaha.....and then I tried to throw out a movie ticket circa 1993 for Jurassic Park, when he lived in Germany. Seriously. How could he possibly remember doing that if we didn't keep it so every 20 years he could go back through everything and reminisce.  I am the kind of person that feels if its not being used its taking up space that can be empty, organized and clean. I have no need for the excess and everything has to be in its SPOT. Then there was the ex-wife. She was everywhere; every box, drawer, shelf, tub I opened contained more of "S": pictures, notes, cards. That was fun. Not.

We have never fought over so much and overall has left me feeling helpless, frustrated and insecure about our relationship. I literally cringe every time I come home and have to deal with half a garage packed full of crap we will never use or furniture shoved in every corner of the house. Its getting easier as things get put away but I sometimes wonder if its never ending. I know I haven't been nice to him these past few days. I allowed the stress to overcome my rational thinking and haven't showed him the love I feel for him and that he deserves and there were some points I was just plain mean. I am uber disappointed in myself because I didn't stop to think, compromise, explain myself (rationally) and be respectful. Logically  I know that stuff doesn't matter and none of this is worth fighting or getting upset over, but its like I couldn't help myself. Every new thing we unearthed was more cause for frustration, anxiety and bickering. I'm lucky he loves me and has been understanding of how hard this was for me. All I can do is apologize and with my actions show him how much he means to me and work together to figure this out and try not to let the clutter bother me...TRY :)

Where did my cheese go? Oh, there you are!

This is how I have chose to live my life: Positive - moving with my cheese. (The most amazing book ever written, I recommend it to EVERYONE! http://www.whomovedmycheese.com) It is not always the easiest decision, and sometimes I fall off the path. 

2012 Started as the worst year of my life. Newly divorced from a man I had been with since I was 15 who damaged my spirit, my love of self, my self-esteem and my desire to ever love again. I was beaten and depressing; I won't say depressed because that indicates something happening to me, out of my control and I believe I can control it, therefore I say depressing. I lost one of my best friends and I didn't know why; the pain from that was palpable and probably worse than losing my ex. My kid started acting out in May, cutting herself and doing only God knows what; failing classes, sneaking boys over, sneaking out, posting incredibly inappropriate things on a Facebook she secretly created, being accused of shoplifting...the list goes on and each situation seemed to pile atop the previous one in a seemingly never-ending ball of AAAHHHHH! In August, I lost my job and after a month of no income I started to panic about how I would survive, feed my kid, keep a roof over her head and the lights and water on. I stopped doing Zumba, the thing that made me the happiest- mostly because I couldn't afford it or the gas to get there but secondly because I was too stressed I wanted to do nothing. I met a guy, who was everything I never knew I wanted ~and was exactly what I needed ~ and yet I allowed my fear of loving and being unworthy cloud our relationship. All of these things combined into one totally messed up, depressing, uninspired, unmotivated, angry, on-edge Freather. My biggest wake up call to how unhappy I was, was listening to other people describe me. One thing that was said over and over to/about me was that I was like a light. It made me sad that that is how others saw me, but I couldn't find the light within myself anymore. I knew I needed to give myself a healthy dose of 'get over myself.'

I know all of this seems whiny and not positive, but after some introspection I can see how each of these 'hopeless' incidences helped me grow. After an hour long conversation of allowing the ex-a to berate me, calling me every name in the book I decided enough was enough! We had spent the better part of 4 years making one another miserable and I was done feeling guilty over it. Letting go of my anger, resentment and guilt freed me to become a happy person, one that appreciates the little things and is starting to listen and think more and talk less (even though I still talk a whole lot!) Losing a friend helped me realize all the mistakes I had been making and allowed me to form deep friendships with others and appreciate them a lot more for being in my life. My child is acting out because she is craving attention. Each situation has made me re-think my principles of being a parent and adjust my schema to allow different REACTIONS to her. It has made me become a more patient parent and probably a more easy going parent. She seems to thrive more when I'm this focused on her. It has made me realize she is so close to being an adult and I need to stop clipping her wings, and allow her to fly off the branch. Instead of holding her tightly afraid for her of al the bad things that could happen to her I need to be patient, consistent and loving and allow her to make her own choices and live with the consequences, good or bad.  AND the biggest blessing of all was getting "fired." It wasn't even a blessing in disguise. From the moment I found out I knew I was getting fired I felt an incredible sense of peace overcome me and I knew, just KNEW that I would be alright. Even though I allowed the doubt to creep in, eventually I started a job that is a financial and mental blessing. Falling in love, who would have thought how hard I would fight against it. Sometimes I still shake my head and can't believe it, but it has made me learn how to be in a respectful relationship. It has made me learn how to accept and give love and made me realize that regardless of my past or insecurities I am WORTH it.

I wasn't perfect and it took me a long time to understand the lesson behind these trials...Trust. I have the biggest trust issues anyone can imagine... trust in the unknown, trust in my friends, trust in my partner, trust in my kid. I'm still learning and still dealing with this everyday, but it is getting easier. Letting go of the control that I so desperately seem to cling to. I have grown so much over the last year and I have heard so frequently that I am not the same person. I no longer cling to the unhappiness that defined me for so long. I am at peace with who I am and who I am becoming for the first time in my life. So, I am ending what was the worst year of my life as the best year of my life. Although, I don't know what will come next or what life will throw at me, I believe that I will be able to go with the flow more easily and trust things to be alright. I'm happy. I'm secure. I'm loved and loving. I'm appreciated and valued. What more could I ask for?

Death Becomes Us

I've had death on the brain for the last few days.

Yesterday was 12/12/12. The last triple digit date we will see in our lives because none of us will be here in 100 years. I thought of this this morning and became extremely saddened. In 100 years, none of this will matter. Who we are won't matter. We are just a moment in time, a spec on the grander scale of the universe.

I've been terrified of death or the death of a loved one for as long as I remember. After my car accident a few years ago, that fear has magnified. Mark Twain said that a man who fears death is a man who fears life. I try each day to embrace my life, live it to the fullest and be happy; yet I cannot get over the fear of losing all the beauty life has to offer. I think that maybe I am not afraid of death, but of loss. To never see anyone I love or cherish again. That is the fear, whether it is my death or theirs.

I've recently reconnected with an old friend, who while we were out of touch, lost her brother in a tragic accident. This was 9 months ago and the affects are still reeling though her entire family; none seem to be able to move on and overcome their grief. I struggle with what to tell her to ease her pain or make her feel more at peace; I've never felt more at a loss for words. I can't help her because my own fear grips me so tightly at experiencing the exact thing that she's feeling right now. How can I say "it will be OK,"  when I don't know if it can be? I think that if it were my little brother, my family would be ripped to shreds and I don't know how I would function. So instead, I pray for her peace of mind, a healing in her ripped soul. Someone out there, greater than I, is more equipped for this kind of pain.

As for me, I'll try to remember to live life to the fullest, appreciate every moment, love with all I have and experience life fearlessly and hope that when my time comes, I'll be ready and no longer afraid.